My husband and I have been blessed with the adoption of six children. Some of these gifts came as newborns and some as older children. Our pre-adoption counselor “warned” us about the hearts of older children. He conveyed that their hearts belonged to another mother and another father. He made sure that we understood that they would love someone else. He wanted us to understand that the mind of a child doesn’t comprehend the opportunities given by a loving adoptive family because the heart of a child will want to go “home.” He explained that the unfavorable conditions in which a child was removed didn’t factor into the child’s desires. The circumstances that they came from was what they knew, what they were comfortable with, and the conditions that they would willingly return. He encouraged us to look at the adoption of older children as a Christian service.
When your heart yearns for children and when you want so desperately to have children, you may try and convince yourself that fulfilling a Christian service will be enough. If you are the quality of person that can die to yourself and serve with abandon without expectations of a return, then when I grow up, I want to be like you. Truth is, I quickly discovered that I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be my adopted child’s mother, their mommy of choice. I became desperate for it. In hindsight, I should have known that “service” wasn’t my goal at the time. I’m just being real.